I greatly dislike you. I think you may indeed be the scum of the Earth. Sure, I'm bitter. But mostly because you're an idiot of a "friend." Is it impossible for you to strictly give a thanks, instead of complimenting me. I'm not sure why wishing you Happy Birthday was something I considered doing. I'd be happier without ever speaking to you again. I even contemplated deleting your number. I doubt you read this, but I'm practicing a new social trend and personal wave called Radical Honesty. I don't want you in my life. I wish you never were in my life. You taught me who not to be, and how not to act. You taught me what I knew all along, but I was too afraid to admit it to myself. I hate who you've ever so greatly morphed me into. I just hope this new in my life will change that. I hope it goes smoothly. I hope things prosper and grow. I care about him.
Its strange how rapidly my feelings change. Its weird how one night of staying in, forces you to contemplate your whole existence as a person and how you maintain your well-being. I'm not ready to get hurt, or demand to get hurt due to my own actions. When I start to feel something, I immediately freeze up. I back away. I run. No one should ever have to endure my bipolar decisions and answers. I don't know how I decide what I do. It happens. I don't rationalize. I don't think from an outsiders perspective. My mind wonders. I think of all the things I want to accomplish and I'm selfish. I'm a selfish individual who is too self-interested to truely care about another individual. I've cared about looks, body structure, image, societal opinions. I'm not someone anyone should get mixed up with. My feelings are sporadic. I dislike most, if not all, of humanity on any given day. I have skeletons in my closet no one knows about because I keep them locked up and hidden behind this facade I've so carefully constructed over the years. All I ask is that you never like me. Never care about me. Never feel any romantic or kind connection with me. Ill just end up treating you like shit and passing you on to the next lonely girl that stumbles along. I don't need anyone in my life besides me (which I know is completely unrealistic and pathetic, but I figured I don't like people touching me, talking to me, making eye contact, watching me eat, in my room.) So why should I want anyone else in my life? There's no need. Which is my current dilemma. I like being touched by you, I like talking to you, I like making eye contact. I like you watching me eat, and although you've never seen my room, I'd like you to. I want you to be a part of my life, but I won't allow myself to allow you to be. You deserve better. You deserve someone that has her mind made up and won't hurt you. I'm not perfect, no one is, but I'm way far from it. I choose to be raggard, haggard, and cruel.
Don't care about me. Do me and more importantly yourself a favor, stop texting me? God knows I won't be able to stop myself.
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