always

Emotionally disconnecting myself for the good of everyone - as much as I really prefer not to. Not a lot I can do about it now. It's past its prime. Last straw was pulled tonight. Completely realized now that I am in fact another stupid girl. Happy birthday, Ash. You'd think after 21 years, you'd be able to pick the emotionally available ones a bit better.

Ramble On

I feel that no matter who I'm with, or not with, I still feel lonely. My body and brain can not make a match of knowing I'm not alone. I'm constantly surrounded by someone or doing something, yet I feel that it's all an act. No one sincerely likes me - how could they when I'm not even sure if I approve of myself? I can't blame the world for feelings I myself refuse to control. I'll find myself stuck in a rut of disbelief - unsure of how I got here and how I managed to lose everyone I held close. At the time I suppose I'm aware of my actions, the reactions and the consequences stemmed from my behavior. I'm not sure who I am anymore, what I want to pursue. If I should continue to pursue the person I desire - doubtful his interest is still strong; if it is, it'll fade soon - no need to consider anything other than another quick fling which I view as something special.

Always this way

I feel like no matter what I do, I can't do it right. No matter who I develop feelings for my past comes back to bite me in the ass. I hate this feeling of worthlessness and being ignored. Of course it's just my female over reactiveness taking control, but i am a female, and I rally cant help but feel this way right now. He became one of my best fiends, and I really hope things can continue where they left off last night. I hate seeing him and wishing he'd just look at me and smirk. God, living with four guys has honestly taught me how much of a gosh damn girl I am. Note to self: stop caring so much. I wonder how many times I have told myself that. Awesome, Ash. Never good enough again.

1am rambles are filled with improper english

I'm an idiot. I know this. I'm not sure how many more times I'll continue to develop some sort of feelings and have them shoved back into my face. I hate this, and i hate how easily I fall for people. It's not like it happens often, but when it does i Really start to fall and i begin to hate myself for whatever reason. I'm not good enough to care about longer than a month tops. I mean sure, I've definitely lead guys on in my past, and still continue to, today. But, when I actually care about someone, my feelings get throwback into my face. I won't worry about it anymore.

The Untouchables

I woke up this morning in a weird way. I can't quite comprehend why I'm the way I am. I understand I do things because I desire them, but what if my desires shouldn't happen? I'm happy there, right there, with all those pillows on the ground - but should this be?I don't know what to do, or how to understand. Funny thing is, I don't have to think about it. My problem exactly is that I over think my situations, and read into them deeper than need be. I over analyze like any woman does, and feel the tug to try and clearly map out my predicament. It's pointless. It's an easy road right now, maybe due to loneliness, but I can't stop laughing when with him. He gets my belly going, and I find it difficult to come to a halt. I care about him, guess thats better than not caring at all.

Morning

Senses and sensations. The sensation of senses. The sense of having sensations - to like. Human creatures have a strange desire to feel the sense of being and being liked. It's a want that I could without a doubt say that the majority of human race handers. Why do I have to be a part of this majority? Sure, that may be naive, nor do I not really want to feel the predilection of being liked - but I hate how I feel eerie when people talk about me without my knowledge - I poke and prod not because I truely want to have the knowledge, but so I know it's not bad. I don't understand in this own noggin of mine why I care if someone doesn't like me. Interesting how I know exactly where this unassurance came from - ah, the seriousness of a scarred childhood. I suppose it's a sensation I'll have to work on.

Another question, when I did become such an insecure sack of miserable sensations?

Matt

Is sitting next to me. He's a fantastic roommate, and is smelling, or shall I say, admiring a candle. Just shouted, "AH!" Not sure why, but he's hilarious. Always staring at my computer screen, being snoopy and all. Anyway, tonight I rode my bike two miles to Kroger to pick up ingredients for Falafels, BUT MATTHEW decided to only say my falafels were "alright." Well SCREW YOU Matthew Wayne Lambdin! I spent three hours cooking those damn falafels, and you only could enjoy it not even half way. Welp, still love you.

Hurt people, hurt people

I don't wear immense amounts of eye makeup - it's trashy.
I don't have sleeves of tattoos - it's trashy when paired with immense amounts of eye makeup.
I don't dress like a skank - modest is hottest.
I love nature - I'll go camping.
I love walks in gardens - wish it would happen more often.

Are all men the same? I haven't come across a happy medium of sane and protective. My past boyfriends or relationships have been filled with over insane moments and incredibly strong protective instincts. I'm not sure why I'm even writing this. I have no need. Other than I'm feeling a bit awful. It's funny how someone isn't who you thought they were, and how dumb one may be to actually believe what they thought was the truth, AS the truth.

Hurt people, hurt people.

It's a sad and ever repeating cycle. When I was younger I told myself to not care. Therefore I didn't. After a 13 month long relationship, filled with bumps and mountains, it changes a person. I found I do have the capability to care. I hate it. I don't want to care. I don't want to know. I don't want anything to do with anyone, yet I'm forced into the societal standards of dating - of getting to know someone - of enevitably getting hurt. Which has now lead to me to hurt others, for I am hurt - dominoing into them becoming hurt. By being a hurt individual, you may be hurting the rest of the world. Maybe not instantaneously, but eventually.
I write this...
Not sure why...
Maybe to
get some
steam off?

...whatever steam that may be?

I shouldn't care, therefore I won't ever get hurt, therefore I won't feed this frenzy of hurt people hurt people anymore. How ignorant and niave do I sound?



get me outta here.

Intriguing conversations are incredible to me. I found myself enjoying a nice tempeh burger with vegan cashew pesto and nice company. Losing track of time and hurrying an already misguided and perplexed young man of a waiter with demanding a check before we were even more late for the flick. After the Swedish film providing sceneS, I reiterate, sceneS of graphic rape and torture, a nice cup of coffee was gladly needed. There I found myself not checking the clock, just simple words rambling and pouring out of my already multiple roaded brain. Articulation somehow skipped my mind and words were flowing from both ends, meaningful and jokingly. I enjoyed the company I was with tonight. Thoughtful, endearing, witty and wordy. Beautiful indirectly, smooth and sly, but well taken.

I need to start writing songs, especially to preserve a nice, calm evening as thus.

Random thoughts

Sketching is great.


He's my best friend.


I enjoyed this day.


I miss Raggedy Ann with my whole heart.

Last Summer road trip to New Jersey. I miss Steven William Patrick. Great times.

Idiot once again

I have too big of a heart. I feel like that's what it boils down to.

I need to move. I've always been obsessed with moving somewhere, but that feeling has surpassed until last night. Why am I still in a place I can't stand? I adore my friends. I love my family. But I'm just not happy here. I don't know if I can wait two years. That's too far away. I need immediate change. I think I need to go on a vacation.

A vacation sounds like it will suffice my need to move for a bit longer.

My father is my inspiration. He always has been. I've always been afraid to let him down, or be someone he doesn't want me to be. I know, I know, he's my father and he'll love me no matter what. Which is interesting in itself. I've tested both of my parents often throughout the years. I've pushed their boundaries mostly when it came to piercings or tattoos. I'm quite impressed with their patience, as well as their incredible amount of understanding. Not every kid enjoys what I do. Not every kid does what I do. I've tested them both to what I felt to the breaking point. They've remained beyond amazing, and still continue to amaze me.

Back to my father, it's interesting how I've taken him for granted so often throughout my life. I get into my moody pants, and end up being the worst daughter, in my opinion, ever. I say awful things and act a certain way that I really would rather not. This weekend has been a rough one, and I'm so thankful to have my father. I love my friends and their advice, and I do hold it close. But, there's something about your own father's advice to his only daughter that changes you.

I've been stressing out over nothing. Truly, nothing. His words opened me to that, and I've realized I've been handling situations poorly. I always assume people will come to me. I barely take any time to reach out to my friends, or more importantly the guy I'm currently involved with. I don't know why, but I've never been this wrapped up in wondering how someone feels. I suppose I shouldn't worry about it. Things will play out. I shouldn't keep my guard up. I have walls, but those walls need to atleast crumble a bit at the top, slowly but surely. I'm nervous and it's killing me. Ah.

Anyway, love the pops.

Gary Forystek

Hey Dad,

Reading my blog again? Caught you.

xoxo
Your Daughter,

Ashley

April 8, 2010 (leading into the AM of April 9, 2010)

I greatly dislike you. I think you may indeed be the scum of the Earth. Sure, I'm bitter. But mostly because you're an idiot of a "friend." Is it impossible for you to strictly give a thanks, instead of complimenting me. I'm not sure why wishing you Happy Birthday was something I considered doing. I'd be happier without ever speaking to you again. I even contemplated deleting your number. I doubt you read this, but I'm practicing a new social trend and personal wave called Radical Honesty. I don't want you in my life. I wish you never were in my life. You taught me who not to be, and how not to act. You taught me what I knew all along, but I was too afraid to admit it to myself. I hate who you've ever so greatly morphed me into. I just hope this new in my life will change that. I hope it goes smoothly. I hope things prosper and grow. I care about him.

Its strange how rapidly my feelings change. Its weird how one night of staying in, forces you to contemplate your whole existence as a person and how you maintain your well-being. I'm not ready to get hurt, or demand to get hurt due to my own actions. When I start to feel something, I immediately freeze up. I back away. I run. No one should ever have to endure my bipolar decisions and answers. I don't know how I decide what I do. It happens. I don't rationalize. I don't think from an outsiders perspective. My mind wonders. I think of all the things I want to accomplish and I'm selfish. I'm a selfish individual who is too self-interested to truely care about another individual. I've cared about looks, body structure, image, societal opinions. I'm not someone anyone should get mixed up with. My feelings are sporadic. I dislike most, if not all, of humanity on any given day. I have skeletons in my closet no one knows about because I keep them locked up and hidden behind this facade I've so carefully constructed over the years. All I ask is that you never like me. Never care about me. Never feel any romantic or kind connection with me. Ill just end up treating you like shit and passing you on to the next lonely girl that stumbles along. I don't need anyone in my life besides me (which I know is completely unrealistic and pathetic, but I figured I don't like people touching me, talking to me, making eye contact, watching me eat, in my room.) So why should I want anyone else in my life? There's no need. Which is my current dilemma. I like being touched by you, I like talking to you, I like making eye contact. I like you watching me eat, and although you've never seen my room, I'd like you to. I want you to be a part of my life, but I won't allow myself to allow you to be. You deserve better. You deserve someone that has her mind made up and won't hurt you. I'm not perfect, no one is, but I'm way far from it. I choose to be raggard, haggard, and cruel.

Don't care about me. Do me and more importantly yourself a favor, stop texting me? God knows I won't be able to stop myself.

I'm alive, but I haven't even starting living. There's so much for me to see, so many things for me to do. So many things for me to fail doing and to succeed doing. This isn't my life; my life hasn't even begun yet.

April 1, 2010

April 1st is the birthday of my late "second" father. Eric Hofner, you'll always be in my heart. I'm sure you're taken care of greatly up there.

It is only 1:30pm, and I have quite possibly had the most fufilling day. Woke up at 7:00am, per usual every Tuesday and Thursday, but today I made myself a nice cup of tea. We discussed the Erie Canal in class, and I felt a breeze of accomplishment when turning in my book review. In between classes, I had the pleasure of sitting in on a lecture of Gary Yourofsky. One of the most influential vegans out there. His rhetoric and honesty was so overwhemling. Tears, smiles, and cheers all within the 60minutes he lectured. I chatted with his girlfriend, a raw foodist from California, afterwards. She had such an words, and awesome recommendations for where to buy clothes, and make-up.
My music class was interesting. I did awful on the last quiz, but the grade didn't affect my attitude. Its a beautiful day outside, and I doubt anything can make me negative today.
Right now there's a trio of twenty-something guys on motorcycles. Now he's doing tricks behind me...on a Harley? Possible? Apparently.
I am currently on my way to John Casablanca's for a meeting. If you know what that is, you'd know why I'd find it absolutely hilarious.
After that I'm running over to Cherokee Creek to get my arm finished up. I'm so stoked to finally have it all said and finished...at least for now.
Rose Dear is coming over for a slumber party, where movies and vegan snacks will be our means of entertainment.

Thank God for such a beautiful and amazing day thus far.

Since I haven't listened to Sigur Ros since freshman year of high school, I decided yesterday it'd be a good idea to download a whole bunch of Icelandic music. Now I have a slumber playlist on iTunes. Last night I slept like a baby. Stoked.

Tomorrow is a dress, vegan lecture, modeling, tattooing, slumber party day.

Jonsi&Incense; doesn't get much better than this.

Dear History 111,

Why did you force me to read 200 pages on the Erie Canal?

Dislike you a bit,

Ashley Ann

Infatuation

in·fat·u·a·tion ( -f ch - sh n). n. 1. A foolish, unreasoning, or extravagant passion or attraction.

Here besets the quintessence of all my thwarted attempts at homogeneity. It is artlessly recherché that I materialize innervations. Recherché as in conceivably once a year. But due to my infatuation disease I become blasé and ill-of-heart. Feasibly I subsum the elucidation. A character to ameliorate this decrepitude I've fallen into?

March 29, 2010

Framed my clown today. I found it while cleaning my room, and figured it was sort of worth framing. A fancy sketch during Music Theory. Nothing outrageous on my mind. I'm excredibly exhausted, and would love a nap. I'm itching with anticipation.

Studying?

Jack-In-Box

The past week has been incredible. The memories made are ones definitely worth remembering. It's interesting what can come out of simply releasing any inhabitations one may possess. After a Friday spent well, I have fallen asleep and woken up with one person on my mind.

Simply in hopes that he won't check this frequently, I'll continue. I'm not sure where his heart lies at this point. I also don't know if it's ignorant or somewhat strange to feel the connection I felt with him the only time hanging out. I rarely ever care about someone, so when I do I'm not sure how to handle the situation. I also care to an exceptional level. It always feels new and somewhat odd to be thinking of something other than my own agenda for once. I'm always wrapped up in school or work to truly sit down and allow my mind to wander to anything or anyone else. Although, with him, I can't seem to help myself.

I don't open up easily. I don't allow myself to develop feelings easily. This whole thing is new to me.

Now I'm done. I've already said too much.

Curse like a wave

Today I:

-Held a snake
-Hung out with my best friend, whom I haven't seen in a couple months
-Ate ZOUP
-Drank a smoothie
-Played frisbee
-Met Jonny Craig's twin
-Laughed so hard my stomach hurt with Li
-Rode my bike
-Enjoyed the 68 degree weather
-Realized how happy the sun makes me

Quick list for an amazing day.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

I miss my HLP more than ever today. It's those days where I know she needs me, but I can't physically be there for her that kill me. It's also those days where I'm sick as a dog, and she's not here to serve me warm Earl Grey tea and watch Twilight with me (or in her case, two more times while I'm fast asleep above her.) I've never had a friend who's lived on the other half of the country, whom I've desired more than anything to stay close with. Which is another feeling, because any tears I cried when she boarded that plane were happy, "she's going to be so happy out there" tears. I never once thought we'd lose contact or not be friends in a few months. There are a handful of people who keep me motivated to get up and do things everyday. Even being in Seattle, Camille Casado seems to do that for me. I'd be happy 70 years old, swimming in the local recreation pool with her, talking about all the things we can do and places we can see... then be those old woman in the hot tub checking out the college meat.

That was my rant on Camille. I'm not even quite sure why I did that... I think when I get in these moods where I feel so lost in a world I know so well, reminding myself of memories or situations we went through always seems to ease any hard feelings I may have. I cannot wait to be two feet away from her at all times again. Man, the Art's Village must've really hated us...along with the whole music scene within the town of Bowling Green, Ohio. OK, Ashley, STOP. Move ON.

It's Pi Day! Camille reminded me of that one. I don't recall what I did last Pi day... maybe I have a video blog from last year telling me exactly what I had on my agenda. It's depressing that I deleted my tumblr. I wish I had kept it to look back on any memories or stories I found important. Probably a lot of "Mark Gorey" this or "Pete Dowdalls" that or "Jason Polo" this. I suppose last year was an eventful year in which I spent a lot of my time caring a whole lot, and receiving barely anything in return. When I had feeling reciprocated, I found myself not wanting them, and pushing whomever was showing them away. I'm no gush, all steel.

I also just found myself rambling in hopes of pushing back this Philosophy paper I've had two weeks to write. I'm not sure what I want to say, I'm also not sure if my professor will remember me bringing my point up in class. If he doesn't, this paper may not be counted which wouldn't be the end of me, but it wouldn't be good. Five points can add up...I guess?

I'd talk more about my day, but my feelings thought and felt throughout the day seem to be more interesting and worthwhile for myself when I decide to come back to this blog a year later to read what I wrote. Last year, "a year later" didn't seem all that strange to me. When writing it this time, it felt awful. It felt like time goes by too quickly. I still can't believe my best friend, Li, is turning 21 next week. I can't believe my other best friend, Sum, is turning 22 next week. I can't believe that when I was 17-19, I honestly believed the boy I was dating could potentially be the male I marry. I didn't want it, but I didn't see a way out. If that makes sense?

My feelings currently are mixed. I'll love Michigan then hate it only a millisecond later. Whether thats how my bodies feelings always work at an influxing rate, or I'm just not cut out for the Midwest. Gosh. This is another blog entry entirely. I'll write this when I'm more prepared and my thoughts aren't being stretched like blank canvas.

Happy Pi Day

March 13, 2010

Wednesday, March 20, 2010

Waiting Room with Jonny Craig

I'm sitting in a facial surgical waiting room, awaiting my free consultation. I indeed have my massive headphones on, playing Jonny Craig. I'm so grateful for Li, that she exposed me to him. Well, his solo project I suppose. I'm stoked that tomorrow I get to see him perform, along with Tides of Man.

Yesterday was an interesting day. School was surpisingly amazing. It normally is awful, and leaves me with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I dropped my horrible Economics class, and successfully completed my Music Theory Mid-Term. I then did errands with my mom; Kohl's, Trader Joe's. Then we went to the Livonia Rec Center where she belayed me, as I climbed.

Climbing: The only time I'm completely content with everything. I would have to say, it is quite possibly the best experience of my life. Climbing gives me a sort of feeling that nothing or no one has ever given me before; even better than falling in love or receiving the notice of Dean's List in the mall. Its unbelieveable.

Anyway, today I work at the Toy Shop from noon until three, then Jacob and I are going to grab some food. Greg's art exhibit opening is tonoight. I'll hopefully be attending that with Miss Li.

Wow, this facial surgeon knows her stuff. I can't wait for what the next few months have in store! :)

Wednesday, March 20, 2010

Lookie here. I forgot I posted a bazillion videos last year onto here. I'm bringing back my blog, mostly because I find it to be beneficial to myself and how to release some unwanted stress. Some may say that's what friends are for, I say, I'm not one to open up to most people, therefore sharing it personally, yet worldly is my best option.

I'll write more tomorrow, I just wanted to make sure I could still log on, and such.