always

Emotionally disconnecting myself for the good of everyone - as much as I really prefer not to. Not a lot I can do about it now. It's past its prime. Last straw was pulled tonight. Completely realized now that I am in fact another stupid girl. Happy birthday, Ash. You'd think after 21 years, you'd be able to pick the emotionally available ones a bit better.

Ramble On

I feel that no matter who I'm with, or not with, I still feel lonely. My body and brain can not make a match of knowing I'm not alone. I'm constantly surrounded by someone or doing something, yet I feel that it's all an act. No one sincerely likes me - how could they when I'm not even sure if I approve of myself? I can't blame the world for feelings I myself refuse to control. I'll find myself stuck in a rut of disbelief - unsure of how I got here and how I managed to lose everyone I held close. At the time I suppose I'm aware of my actions, the reactions and the consequences stemmed from my behavior. I'm not sure who I am anymore, what I want to pursue. If I should continue to pursue the person I desire - doubtful his interest is still strong; if it is, it'll fade soon - no need to consider anything other than another quick fling which I view as something special.

Always this way

I feel like no matter what I do, I can't do it right. No matter who I develop feelings for my past comes back to bite me in the ass. I hate this feeling of worthlessness and being ignored. Of course it's just my female over reactiveness taking control, but i am a female, and I rally cant help but feel this way right now. He became one of my best fiends, and I really hope things can continue where they left off last night. I hate seeing him and wishing he'd just look at me and smirk. God, living with four guys has honestly taught me how much of a gosh damn girl I am. Note to self: stop caring so much. I wonder how many times I have told myself that. Awesome, Ash. Never good enough again.

1am rambles are filled with improper english

I'm an idiot. I know this. I'm not sure how many more times I'll continue to develop some sort of feelings and have them shoved back into my face. I hate this, and i hate how easily I fall for people. It's not like it happens often, but when it does i Really start to fall and i begin to hate myself for whatever reason. I'm not good enough to care about longer than a month tops. I mean sure, I've definitely lead guys on in my past, and still continue to, today. But, when I actually care about someone, my feelings get throwback into my face. I won't worry about it anymore.

The Untouchables

I woke up this morning in a weird way. I can't quite comprehend why I'm the way I am. I understand I do things because I desire them, but what if my desires shouldn't happen? I'm happy there, right there, with all those pillows on the ground - but should this be?I don't know what to do, or how to understand. Funny thing is, I don't have to think about it. My problem exactly is that I over think my situations, and read into them deeper than need be. I over analyze like any woman does, and feel the tug to try and clearly map out my predicament. It's pointless. It's an easy road right now, maybe due to loneliness, but I can't stop laughing when with him. He gets my belly going, and I find it difficult to come to a halt. I care about him, guess thats better than not caring at all.

Morning

Senses and sensations. The sensation of senses. The sense of having sensations - to like. Human creatures have a strange desire to feel the sense of being and being liked. It's a want that I could without a doubt say that the majority of human race handers. Why do I have to be a part of this majority? Sure, that may be naive, nor do I not really want to feel the predilection of being liked - but I hate how I feel eerie when people talk about me without my knowledge - I poke and prod not because I truely want to have the knowledge, but so I know it's not bad. I don't understand in this own noggin of mine why I care if someone doesn't like me. Interesting how I know exactly where this unassurance came from - ah, the seriousness of a scarred childhood. I suppose it's a sensation I'll have to work on.

Another question, when I did become such an insecure sack of miserable sensations?